Chapter Three of Twelve
Wednesday, March 23, 2016 | 12:32 AM | 0 ruler breaker
Little did I know, it's already March.
Was pretty busy with work, and also clearing my space to have more rooms for decorations.
So, I just came across a sentence quoted from JJ Lin, which I find it relatable.
"I hope they will realise that some memories cannot be wiped away, and some relationships, once gone, can never come back."
I know I shouldn't be posting anything about K anymore, I can't help but to think about him when I saw this quote.
"... some memories cannot be wiped away, and some relationships, once gone, can never come back"
有些人总是不珍惜在眼前的爱情，往往等到失去后，才后悔。
Not every relationship will come back to you after you lose it for the first time. And not every relationship that return will be the same as it was in the first try.
We used to have a second chance in our love life, but somehow... With you selfishness, and my stubbornness, we ruined it with our own hands. If time could rewind, I believe, it'll still turn out the same. But I won't repeat what I did, and I will let it go readily.
In a blink of an eye, I'm living my life with no specific partner for 3 years. And I'm really getting used to it already. On a side note, I think I've forgotten how to be a nice and sweet to a guy, so to my next, please be a little patient when we start dating and more patient when we just get together (cause I've forgotten how to be a good girlfriend)
Alright, it's getting a little too late, I shall stop here.
Till then, Love youuuuuu.
Labels: Late night thoughts, My life, My thoughts
因为，所以。
Saturday, June 21, 2014 | 11:41 PM | 0 ruler breaker
今晚的我，读了当初的网上日记之后，想起你了。
还以为，我不会再被那些回忆给伤到。可是。。。。 我错了。
还以为，日子久了，回忆就淡了。 可是。。。。我错了。
还以为，不在去想，就不会记得了。 可是。。。。我错了。
原来，越想忘记的事，越望不了。
原来，最想忘记“我们”的我，一直都没把“我们”给忘记。
原来，那些回忆，还一直存在着。
那些美好回忆，就让它一直存在着吧。不想忘记，也不要忘记。因为，这些回忆，是你所留给我的所有。即使是多么的不开心，多么的不快乐，我都想牢牢的记着。所以，往日的我，不会在犯下一样的错误。
想一想，如果当初，我没有回到你的身边，现在的我，应该已经跟 J 过的挺开心的吧。应该，得到我该的快乐了吧。可是，因为太爱了，所以，我放弃了那位能给我一个稳定和快乐生活得人。
但也因为这样，J 找到了会爱他，珍惜他的那位她。
现在的我，只好好好的活，等会真正珍惜我，疼爱我，的那个他出现。。。。。
Labels: Late night thoughts, My life, That past of mine (K)
Moved......
Wednesday, June 4, 2014 | 1:31 AM | 0 ruler breaker
It's been long since I'm back here.
So many things have been going through my mind for the past few weeks. What have I done which makes us distance. What have I done which causes all this to happen. 😔
I really don't know man. We were close during that first minute, and became as strangers in the next. I mean, I know that i aren't suppose to be moved or whatsoever over such things, but I just can't.
I know we will never be together, but.... Never mind. You'll never understand..... 😔😭
Labels: #KLJW, Late night thoughts
Goodbye my almost lover.
Thursday, May 22, 2014 | 1:29 AM | 0 ruler breaker
This post is gonna be very random, and idk if this should even be up here. But..........
I've no reason why, but today, I have a strong urge of asking KY why he hate me so much. Like really hate me to the core. She once told me how you bad mouth about me in front of her, and tell her how bad I was. I mean, I don't care how you bad mouth me, idc how much you hate me, but it's just unfair.
I know I shouldn't even be bothered about you hating me, or whatsoever. But I really can't think of a reason why you'd to hate me this much. I really don't. Cause it's not as if I've done anything wrong in our relationship. The wrong thing I've ever done in that relationship is that I became close friend with my suitor, and idk why would you even think that I've got a "leg" with him.
I should be the one who's hating, not the one being hated. Think about it, look at the number of wrong things you've done to me, and the number of wrong things I've done towards you. It's like idk man. Reason why I don't hate is because hating is too tiring. And why hate? I mean, I choose to focus on the goods than the bad. Even thou there's way more bad than good.
I'm really hesitating, if I should, or I should not. 😔💭
Labels: Late night thoughts, That past of mine (K)
Reality....
Sunday, May 11, 2014 | 2:43 AM | 0 ruler breaker
Maybe one day, one fine day, you'll not be the guy I keep mentioning. Maybe one day, you'll not be the one I get upset for. Maybe one day, you'll not be the one in mind almost all the time.
I've no idea why, they told me you look like him. I see no similiarity between the both of you except for the "K". Cause to me, you're both from different world. One who have an aim, a goal, just like an angel from heaven. Another is someone who takes what he's served, not much of a goal to achieve, just like a devil from hell.
I won't deny the fact that KY did leave me a lot of memories, be it good or bad. And I won't deny that he is really a nice guy when he's nice, but he's just another jerk when he's bad. To me, I won't regret being together with him for all the good he had done for me. The only regret id was not being able to be that "girlfriend" he want me to be, that's why we end up being strangers all over again.
I no longer miss KY, because he's not needed in my life anymore. I only miss the memories, I miss his granny's cooking, I miss how "relaxed" I used to be, I miss how I can spent the whole day sleeping and not doing anything.
As for KL, there's not much of a memory for me to miss. But those small little meet ups, and those conversations, are really loved and missed. I've no idea whether you'll read upon this, but I really wanna say, "I really miss you, I really do. I just can't show out anymore. I can't show you that I miss you, or I still like you. So, I shall just keep it to myself. And suck it up."
If only time could rewind, I would want to rewind back to the time when we just chat. I will keep my feelings to myself first, or I will just keep it to myself. And I wanna see if we could get together in the future.
Ohwell........ 😔
Labels: #KLJW, Late night thoughts
😔😢
Thursday, May 8, 2014 | 12:57 AM | 0 ruler breaker
Just another night, of me missing you terribly.
Sorry boy, for missing you terribly much again tonight. I've no idea why, but I do. I hate how much I ruin us, or I should say the friendship between us. I hate how much I ruin everything i had.
If I didn't tell you how I feel, would things be better between us? If I didn't tell you how I feel, would we still be as close? If I didn't tell you how I feel, would we turn out to be couple in future?
I regretted. regretted for telling you how I feel, regretted for being so straightforward and didn't really think much.
But one thing I know, even if I didn't tell you how I feel, the ending will still be the same. Cause you'll never fall for me. Who am I to make you fall for me? I mean, look at you, you've got the looks, the certificates, almost everything a girl want. What about me? No looks, no money, no figure, no certificates, nothing.
All I can do, is to treat you like a friend. Just a friend. Even if I still like you, I also won't tell you anymore. Cause the more I show you how I feel towards you, the further you'll push me away. So I shall keep it to myself, only myself.
😔😢
Labels: #KLJW, Late night thoughts
Confused...
Monday, April 28, 2014 | 1:02 AM | 0 ruler breaker
Been 3 days since we last chat. And even when I really want and tempted to send a text to you, I've to stop myself from doing so.
I'm sorry that I've been pestering you for the past months. I'm sorry that I've demand too much from you. I'm sorry that I think too highly of myself for being able to move you and make you fall. I'm sorry for my stubbornness and irritation. I'm sorry for every single nonsense I've create.
I've no idea when will we ever chat again. You ask me treat you as how I treat ray; I sure can. But now, I seem as thou I'm treating you lesser than how I treat him, I'm treating you more like a stranger than a friend to me. Hmmm. I've no idea man.
and I won't deny the fact that you're still the reason of me improving myself. I might not end up being the girl you want, or need. Neither will I be the girl you want me to be. But I'll be better. Better than now, better than ever. ☺️
Labels: #KLJW, Late night thoughts
Thinking again....
| 12:34 AM | 0 ruler breaker
That closure? Gone.
That endless conversation? Gone.
That care and concern? Gone.
Everything's gone within that few days, with no explanations, no reasons, nothing. I even took that courage to ask what's wrong, but you seems like you're hiding things from me. I've been very straight forward ever since day 1, even until now, I'm still straight forward with what's on my mind. I don't hide what I feel, and maybe that's the reason why we end up like this.
If only I didn't mention anything about how I feel, I guess we will be friends -> close friends and stays there. If only I didn't mention about how I feel, things wouldn't get so stiff between us two. But I wonder if I didn't say anything, would we even chat as much? I wonder if I didn't say anything, would we even be friends from the start? I wonder if I didn't say anything, how would the "us" be like now?
But sometimes, life's like that. They put you into situations where you'll find yourself struggling, find yourself panicking, find yourself lost in the middle of nowhere. But what happened in the end, is that all these situations, will make you a stronger and better person.
I've no idea if I've told you this before, but you're the reason of why I wanna improve myself. To be a better person, to be a "somebody". Because the "me" right now, is someone who's bad and not successful yet. I know, even if I'm you, I wouldn't choose me. Cause there's so many better girls out there, why would you even want a girl who scold vulgarities, who acts like a guy, who is lazy to even put on make up, who is still schooling because she failed her module. With the "me" now, there'll be no bright future, I understand. But I'm trying my best, to be someone successful. To be someone better and be a somebody.
But I guess, even when I'm a somebody, you wouldn't want me too. Reason being, there's no feeling. Not at all. You told me, you don't let fate to decide for you. And with that, it makes me feel that even when you like me, you won't want to be with me. Because that's what you've already set from the very start.
Labels: #KLJW, Late night thoughts
Day 113 of 2014: Thoughts...
Wednesday, April 23, 2014 | 12:46 AM | 0 ruler breaker
Time passes very fast, 113 days have passed.
Tonight, thoughts hit me hard again. The horoscope analysis is so true, "the person whom I love don't love me, and I don't love the person who love me." It happened all the time, like literally, ALL THE TIME. Ever since the last relationship, till now. The person I love will not love me back, and I'm pushing the people who love me away.
Tonight, I'm thinking again. Thinking if I should just let it go, thinking if I should just stop my feeling I had for you. I wouldn't deny that the past two evening spent with you was awesome. *even when we are not spending it alone, but it's still awesome* I know I should treat you like a friend, just a friend. But I just can't do it. But I will try my best to keep the feelings to myself, and act like I don't love you anymore. Like I said in my previous post, if I can switch my feelings off for KY, I can switch it off for you too.
There's by far no limit for my tolerance, I always believe that if I truly want that person, I will do my very best to get that person. I won't give up until it comes to the day whereby I really see nothing anymore, or the day when I'm really too tired to chase for it anymore. I want you, want to be called yours, but why is that seems so impossible?
I still remember the times we text every single day, from the moment we wake up, till we go to bed. I still remember the times when we have endless topic to talk about. I still remember the times when I pour my heart out to you and you listen to me patiently. I still remember the night when I called you up and whine about that guy who creep me out. I still remember the night when I cried because we quarreled.
I'm not giving up yet, cause I know I've not done my very best yet. I will only give up when I can't do anymore things to win you. I know you'll push me away, cause I don't even have that little bit of "thing" you want your girlfriend to have. I will never be up on that name list. I don't care how you wanna push me away, I don't care how bad you wanna treat me. Cause no matter what, you can never hurt me as badly as how KY ever did.
Holding on........
Labels: #KLJW, Late night thoughts
Another late night post
Tuesday, April 15, 2014 | 12:35 AM | 0 ruler breaker
Just another late night thought that struck me tonight.
I'm glad we are talking again, I really am. I'm glad that you didn't turn your back on me like how he did. I don't know if everything on your side is solved, or you've overcome that stress, but I just want to say, no matter what, I'm here. Still here. I won't turn my back on people whom I really care. I don't care whether it's 11pm, 1am, 3am or even 5am, if you need me, just give me a call. I wouldn't mind being awaken by someone I care because they need a pair of listening ears.
Those few days when we aren't talking, I've been thinking a lot. Thinking if I should start a conversation, but what if you find me annoying? Thinking if I should wait for you to contact me, but what if you didn't, what should I do. Thinking if it's something I've done wrong or is it something I've said. Thinking if I should continue trying or just give up.....
And then, one day, I start a conversation again. And we happened to talk again. ☺️ That joy, that small little happiness I've got here is like "woohoo, he finally reply me!!!!!"
Still remember I dreamt of you last night, and we are taking some photos. I don't know why, but in that split second, I woke up. I don't know if it's because something bad is gonna happen, or what, but I just woke up. Took my phone, and told you. It could be a sweet dream, or a beautiful nightmare. Hmmm.
Tonight, I'm thinking again. Thinking if I should continue showing you that I've feelings for you, or should I just cut it off. If I could switch that feel off for KY, I can switch it off for you too KL. Both Ks are making my mind go a little haywire, always keep my mind thinking. Non stop thinking...
Good or bad?
Labels: #KLJW, Late night thoughts
Say something, I'm giving up on you.
Saturday, April 12, 2014 | 12:24 AM | 0 ruler breaker
Just when I thought that things get a little bit better, everything starts to crash down again.
I wouldn't say that I've the best of it, but I thought it did get a little, just that little bit better. But tonight, right at this moment, I came to realize that, everything was just my imagination. That little hope that I thought I saw, that little glimpse of light that I thought I saw, just go "poof" GONE!
Everything should have already get to a full stop a week ago. But, I choose not to let it end. And there, history repeat. There's a saying, "never fix a broken glass, cause you'll end up hurting yourself" and I find it very relevant to me. Why did I say it's relevant, it simply because I broke that "glass" in between us a week ago. Things should have left that way, and that's it. Why must I be so naive and think that we could be fine after that?
Actually, I won't blame you. You've made it very clear at the very start, just that I'm that naive to think that by working a little harder, to care a little more, to do a little more for you, could actually change a little and make you fall. But, I'm wrong. I'm dead wrong. Nothing's gonna change that. Nothing's gonna change the fact that you don't like me, and you never will!
It's coming to an end. I guess I shall not be dumb and hope that one day you'll actually fall for me. I've been dumb to do that in my previous relationship, I shall not do that anymore. Hoping for something that will never happen is purely stupid! But at least, at the end of the day, I could say I've tried.
If you're meant to be, you'll be. If not, friends we shall be.
Labels: #KLJW, Late night thoughts, My life, My thoughts
Late night thoughts: 6th march
Thursday, March 6, 2014 | 2:42 AM | 0 ruler breaker
Time check: 2.22am
Back here again with my late night thoughts. Another night when he's the reason of me having such thoughts. Hmmmmmm. Actually, I don't miss you like how I used to anymore. But tonight, I'm thinking about you, or I should say, us again. Just because of the words they say, and told me things I never knew when we are together back then, sigh.
I didn't know you're afraid to lose me when we are together back then. I really don't know. I don't know you're pushing me away because you think that you're not good enough for me and I deserve better. I didn't know all these till today. I really don't.
When we are together, all I thought was you trying to push me away because you no longer love me. I thought you did that because you don't want me anymore. I thought you did that because you think I no longer love you but another guy. I really never know you did all these because you think I deserve someone else.
Maybe what she said makes sense, you're trying hard to forget me. You're trying hard to use someone as a replacement so to remove me from your heart. To be very honest, I've no idea why, but after a few months you guys got together, I actually felt that you guys are just acting in front of me. So as to make me give up on you. I don't know how true my feeling was, but well, sixth sense told me so. I won't deny that part of me will never forget you, cause after all, you're once my love of my life.
One thing I will never understand is, why people used to tell me you'll come back to me one day? I really don't know why. I mean, yes, I used to think that you'll come back again. But as time passes, I know you won't, and you never will. From the start of your new relationship with her till now, there's still people asking what if you ever come back, what will I do? I really don't understand man. Is either people are not looking good on your relationship, or they think that at the end of the day, we will end up together again. Guess what, that day, she even told me if you ever contact me again, she wants to know as well. Why is everybody thinking that you'll contact me? I seriously don't understand why?!!!!
But one thing I'm very clear about is, I'm moving on with my life already. I will miss you/us, but I don't want you back; unless you tried very hard to prove to me that you've changed and you really deserve to get my trust and love back. If not, don't even think that I'll go back to you so easily. AHAHAHA! And if we ever ever ever get back together (which I highly doubt we would), I will never be that nice girlfriend anymore. And I'm sure I will never be that nice to you anymore.
Labels: Late night thoughts, My life, That past of mine (K)
Random late night thought
Sunday, March 2, 2014 | 3:34 AM | 0 ruler breaker
It's 3.06am now, and I'm having those late night thoughts in my mind right now. I've got so many doubts that I want to clear, but I never ever know how.
Still remember the other day, I was chatting with my 👀🍬. We had our little heart-to-heart talk, had our little honest hour. We started off by joking, till a point he got serious and what comes in my mind is "shit just got real". Ohwell, of course it's nice to have honesty between two people. So, hopefully these talks will let you know about me. (Be it the good or bad way) and I honestly hope that it'll be a step closer to being close with you. ☺️
Met Richman yesterday (Saturday), and he asked me if kiefer ever come back, will I choose him again. I said "no, I won't". Reason isn't because I no longer love him, but because I choose not to love him anymore. I've too much to consider if I should ever go back to him. Cause firstly, he hurt me too much. And the way he hurt me is way beyond the limit. I won't allow him to hurt me anymore. Secondly, if I ever get back with him, I'll disappoint all the people around me, including myself because I'll be getting hurt all over again. I'll disappoint my family as well, cause they're so glad that I'm out of the "devil's" hand and they actually dislike him after break up. (Bad first impression causes everything) Lastly, I clearly know that he won't come back to me. Of course, if he ever come back, I will hesistate a little whether to talk to him, but getting back? sorry but a no. Because someone don't treasure me for the first and second time, doesn't deserve me giving him the third time.
But I wonder why, why is it that tonight all the memories will flashback, like a movie. I won't say that I'm not affected, cause I still do, a little. Because after all, that's a 19months relationship that I used my whole life protecting. Look at the perfect memories I tried to keep, look at the perfect girlfriend I tried to be, look at how much effort I put to keep the relationship going. Oh, I know someone will say that "so does that mean he doesn't put in effort?" "How do you know he never put in effort?" And blah blah blah. I won't deny that he did put in effort in keeping the relationship going, but I won't say he put in more than me. Maybe I'm way too protective or pamper him too much, till he don't know how to pamper others. My fault to blame? Maybe. But sadly, I'll never be the one he'll be pampering, but seriously, I don't give a flying damn about it anymore.
Like what they always say, "let bygone be bygone", "the old ones don't go, the new ones won't come".
Look at where am I now, climbing the stairs all over again after the great fall. And of course, I've got my next target spotted. Hopefully sooner or later I'll be sharing some "good news" with you guys. Heheh.
Alright, getting drowsy. Shall turn in now. Good night sweethearts. 😘❤️
Labels: Late night thoughts, My life, That past of mine (K)
