Little did I know, it's already March.

Was pretty busy with work, and also clearing my space to have more rooms for decorations.

So, I just came across a sentence quoted from JJ Lin, which I find it relatable.

有些人总是不珍惜在眼前的爱情，往往等到失去后，才后悔。

Not every relationship will come back to you after you lose it for the first time. And not every relationship that return will be the same as it was in the first try.

We used to have a second chance in our love life, but somehow... With you selfishness, and my stubbornness, we ruined it with our own hands. If time could rewind, I believe, it'll still turn out the same. But I won't repeat what I did, and I will let it go readily.

In a blink of an eye, I'm living my life with no specific partner for 3 years. And I'm really getting used to it already. On a side note, I think I've forgotten how to be a nice and sweet to a guy, so to my next, please be a little patient when we start dating and more patient when we just get together (cause I've forgotten how to be a good girlfriend)

Alright, it's getting a little too late, I shall stop here.

Till then, Love youuuuuu.

Just when I thought that things get a little bit better, everything starts to crash down again.

I wouldn't say that I've the best of it, but I thought it did get a little, just that little bit better. But tonight, right at this moment, I came to realize that, everything was just my imagination. That little hope that I thought I saw, that little glimpse of light that I thought I saw, just go "poof" GONE!

Everything should have already get to a full stop a week ago. But, I choose not to let it end. And there, history repeat. There's a saying, "never fix a broken glass, cause you'll end up hurting yourself" and I find it very relevant to me. Why did I say it's relevant, it simply because I broke that "glass" in between us a week ago. Things should have left that way, and that's it. Why must I be so naive and think that we could be fine after that?

Actually, I won't blame you. You've made it very clear at the very start, just that I'm that naive to think that by working a little harder, to care a little more, to do a little more for you, could actually change a little and make you fall. But, I'm wrong. I'm dead wrong. Nothing's gonna change that. Nothing's gonna change the fact that you don't like me, and you never will!

It's coming to an end. I guess I shall not be dumb and hope that one day you'll actually fall for me. I've been dumb to do that in my previous relationship, I shall not do that anymore. Hoping for something that will never happen is purely stupid! But at least, at the end of the day, I could say I've tried.

If you're meant to be, you'll be. If not, friends we shall be.

One year ago, I'm still being loved by the one I love the most. But what happened now? We went separate ways, we both live our life without each other again. and it doesn't matter anymore.

No one will know what will happen a year later, so what's the point of getting so worried about what is coming in the future. Just live the life you have right now, cause what matter most is the things that are happening now.

One year later, you'll just see and learn from what you've been doing right now :)

People asked me what's the criteria must a guy have in order to be my boyfriend, let me list down what I wish and hope my future boyfriend/husband-to-be must have.

The above photo was a list of "criteria" I listed out in 2010, 3 years ago. But of course, these criteria are still what I hope my boyfriend have.

Used to have a boyfriend who met like almost 60% of my "criteria" but that relationship only last for like 19 months. I won't say he's the perfect boyfriend I had, but the one who I really love. Ohwell, let bygones be bygones. Moving on~

To my future boyfriend,

I just hope that you won't disappoint me. Even if you don't have the meet all the criteria, but I just need you to meet this one, this is not on the photo up there, I NEED YOU TO BE TRUE TO ME, HONESTY IS IMPORTANT IN OUR RELATIONSHIP! I don't mind if you have a lot of girls around you, I don't mind if you flirt at times, but NEVER EVER put me into a situation where I need to compete with other girls to get your attention. I can give you all the freedom you want, but don't misuse this freedom I'm giving you. I can give you as much space as you want, but don't ever let other girls to come into that space.

Even if you ever cheat behind my back, tell me. I won't promise I won't make a big fuss, but I promise, if you tell me the truth, tell me personally, I will forgive you. Don't let me catch you betraying me, and when I ask you, you still lie, that's when I will make a huge fuss, and not only hate you, I will also hate the girl you'd that something with.

I guess that's what I can think of right now. Will update again if there's any MORE criteria I hope my boyfriend have. HAHAHAHA~

Ever fall for someone, but at the end of the day, you realised that he/she is the wrong one, like again?

No one know who's the right one for you, all you need to do, is to try and try and try and try and try and try, until you found that someone whom really match that second half of you. It's not easy, cause while finding the right one, you'll end up getting hurt over and over again.

I won't say I'm rich in relationship experience, neither would I say that I'm a relationship-idiot. But, from what I experience, what my friends had been through, I will give advice based on what I know and feel and heard.

Seen too much, and felt too much.

Trying to find my right one and end up getting hurt over and over again. If only I've the ability to fall and never get hurt. If only I've the ability to not feel hurt. I won't be afraid to fall again and again.

Ever since that breakup, I've tried dating several guys, but end up, all I get was hurt and nothing else. So, from now on, I won't try to fall for anyone. Because every guy who made me fall doesn't have the intention to hold me, so why fall for them? The right one, will make me fall while holding me.

Ever met someone whose wrist are filled with scars? Ever looked at them, and started criticizing them at the back of your mind?

You'll definitely think, why must he/she be doing this to him/herself? Harming and hurting themselves. But hey, to them, using physical abuse to get rid of those emotional pain, might be the only way they thought of. No one knows what they're going through, no one will ever understand.

Don't criticize, don't judge, don't assume.

Everyone have their own problems. Some share it with their closest, some kept it with themselves and suffer. Don't ask why they keep it to themselves, cause most of the time, it's because they don't think others will ever understand. Some are just afraid that they'll be adding more problems to their closest(whom might already have their own problems to face)

Don't blame them for harming themselves. Don't judge them by the lines on their wrist.

Be nice to those who ever thought of suicidal. Be kind to those who used self-harm to forget pain. Instead of judging them, why not spare some time, and talk to them? Listen to their pain, lending them a pair of listening ears and relive some of their sorrows in them.

If there's friends out there whom have suicidal thoughts, stop doing it. I know that's the "only" way you thought it could relive emotional pain, but the fact is, it doesn't! It'll only hurt the people around you, seeing you harming yourself yet can't help.

I won't deny that I never did such silly stuffs before, because the fact is, I really did. I did it when I broke up with my ex boyfriend. I did it when I feel ultimately stress for school. I did it when I quarreled with my family. I did it when I'm down.

It hurts the people who's around me, knowing that someone they cared are self-harming. It leaves ugly scars on yourself. Yes, it'll heal, but the scar will remain. And it'll stay forever, even when it fades off, it'll still be visible. And all these scars, will always remind you of the reason why you self-harm.

Don't let your past haunt you down.

Ever long for something or someone you love which is lost?

I believe everyone does, just like me. I once longed for someone whom I love a lot, even when he's gone. I thought he would actually looked back, back at our memories being together, back at how I loved him when he's still mine. But, he didn't. I thought, he will regret someday, for leaving, but, I'm wrong. I thought, he still have that little feeling for me and for us, but then again, he proved me wrong.

As time passes, he met his new love, his love of his life. I admit, at the start, I blamed her for snatching him. Then again, I'm thinking, if he really loves me, there's no way, any girl can snatch him away. Slowly, I let go of my arms, collected those shattered pieces of my heart, and fix them piece by piece on my own. 

And slowly, I gave up. Gave up on hoping that one day, he'll return. Gave up on hoping that one day, he'll actually turn and look at me. Gave up on thinking that he still loves me. Gave up on every single thing I'm holding on that will link me back to him.

Finally, I'm here. Standing stronger than before. Smiling wider than when I'm with him. Laughing louder than I should. Yes, I still have down moments. There're still times when I overthink. Memories flooding me. But nothing's gonna break me down like how you broke me.

I've to admit, you're so right about me being so much happier without you than when I'm with you. You once told me, I'm like killing myself to be with you. And I stupidly denied, and told you, I'm happiest when I'm with you. WHO AM I KIDDING? It's really obvious that I'm so much so much so much so much happier without you!

You'll never know how you can affect my emotions.

Remember the days when your smile makes me smile, your anger makes me upset, your sadness makes me sadder, your happiness makes me happier, just one movement of yours could make me scared.

You never know how you affected me, you never know how much your small movement/reaction could make me scared like hell, you never know your one word could send shiver to me. I never why, I never know how, but because of you, I felt those feelings.

But it's alright, everything have ended. And we are happier with what we have now. You'll never be the reason for my sorrows, my happiness, my tears, my anger and whatsoever. YOU'LL NEVER BE.

RUIJIA HONG, Jessica.
Also known as Rjellybeano

Sagittarius, 10th December. Attached to Mr Ng JH. I'm proud that I'm living in a beautiful city called Singapore.



If you people really want to know so much about my past, you can visit ruijiaaa.bs.com to read about my life from 2007 till 2013.

Instagram, the milestone of my life.

Chapter Three of Twelve

Wednesday, March 23, 2016 | 12:32 AM | 0 ruler breaker

Little did I know, it's already March.

Was pretty busy with work, and also clearing my space to have more rooms for decorations.

So, I just came across a sentence quoted from JJ Lin, which I find it relatable.

"I hope they will realise that some memories cannot be wiped away, and some relationships, once gone, can never come back."

I know I shouldn't be posting anything about K anymore, I can't help but to think about him when I saw this quote.

"... some memories cannot be wiped away, and some relationships, once gone, can never come back"

有些人总是不珍惜在眼前的爱情，往往等到失去后，才后悔。

Not every relationship will come back to you after you lose it for the first time. And not every relationship that return will be the same as it was in the first try.

We used to have a second chance in our love life, but somehow... With you selfishness, and my stubbornness, we ruined it with our own hands. If time could rewind, I believe, it'll still turn out the same. But I won't repeat what I did, and I will let it go readily.

In a blink of an eye, I'm living my life with no specific partner for 3 years. And I'm really getting used to it already. On a side note, I think I've forgotten how to be a nice and sweet to a guy, so to my next, please be a little patient when we start dating and more patient when we just get together (cause I've forgotten how to be a good girlfriend)

Alright, it's getting a little too late, I shall stop here.

Till then, Love youuuuuu.

Labels: Late night thoughts, My life, My thoughts

可惜没如果。

Saturday, July 25, 2015 | 1:07 AM | 0 ruler breaker

How can someone who's so close to you, just turn his/her back on you within a night?

Things between us was so much better when I was back in that industry. But ever since I start my new phrase, we distanced. We no longer text all day and night, neither do we have late night talks, and don't even mention on those unexpected video calls.

I guess, you're tired. Tired of my nonsense, tired of my childishness, my clingy-ness, or I would just say, you're just tired of me.

I'm just a burden of yours, I can't help you with anything, not your work, not your hobby, nothing. My existence only cause you to spend more money, cause I'm just an "expenses", not an "asset" to you.

Maybe, just maybe, when I'm more capable, you'll turn back and look at me again. I can't be assured that by then, I still hope for the best between us, but I just hope that we will still be friends, and you're still someone whom will still pick up that call when I'm down.

I remember how I used to "eye-candy" you when I was still in Primary school, more than a decade ago. I used to hang out with my childhood friend at the McDonald's nearby, and back then, you're just a part time waiter there.

I guess it's "fate" that brought us back to meet again. But this time, you're the customer while I'm the waitress. Not sure when was it, but I can't forgot how we actually "acknowledge" each other back again. You're using board 17 while I'm clearing the cups, and just when I walk pass you, you asked, "Do you stay around Jalan Besar? Last time always go McDonald with your Mom?"im

I was shocked! So shocked that at that point of time, I'm thinking "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?! Why do you know where I stay and I used to go McD that often?" After around like 30minutes of thinking and thinking, I remembered that look. Not much of a change, but not that guy I used to see in McD (like duh~)

But we still don't talk, even when we became friends in Facebook. The first time we are sorta close, was when we went for supper together with our mutual friend. If I'm not wrong, was after X'mas or New Year. 

Then there comes one day, we talked, in Facebook messenger. All day and night, till one day, out of a sudden, we decided to watch "Fast and Furious 7" together with our friends. Back then, even when we both have each other's number, we still communicate thru Facebook.

Just out of a sudden, he whatsapp me, but it's regarding our mutual friend. And there, we started talking and talking. Meet up individually for dinners, watch movie, darting and etc. We got so close till most of our mutual friends thought we are together, but the fact is, we are not.

We are just FRIENDS.

Sad fact, but that's true. We're just friends, nothing more. Maybe to others, we are like more than friends, but less than lovers. Maybe that few months when we were close, we really did gave people that impression, but sadly, things changed....

But I guess, it's alright. I've learnt the fact that people come and go. No point forcing someone whom want to leave to stay, cause at the end of the day, both parties will get hurt. 

趁现在还没陷入太深，慢慢再爬起来会比较容易。

我不可能一直让自己陷下去。

可是，我很想问，我们到底有没有可能？

因为我很了解我自己，如果我真的真的把你当哥们看，我们就完全不会有可能了。

Labels: #NLJH, My life, My thoughts

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

Saturday, April 12, 2014 | 12:24 AM | 0 ruler breaker

Just when I thought that things get a little bit better, everything starts to crash down again.

I wouldn't say that I've the best of it, but I thought it did get a little, just that little bit better. But tonight, right at this moment, I came to realize that, everything was just my imagination. That little hope that I thought I saw, that little glimpse of light that I thought I saw, just go "poof" GONE!

Everything should have already get to a full stop a week ago. But, I choose not to let it end. And there, history repeat. There's a saying, "never fix a broken glass, cause you'll end up hurting yourself" and I find it very relevant to me. Why did I say it's relevant, it simply because I broke that "glass" in between us a week ago. Things should have left that way, and that's it. Why must I be so naive and think that we could be fine after that?

Actually, I won't blame you. You've made it very clear at the very start, just that I'm that naive to think that by working a little harder, to care a little more, to do a little more for you, could actually change a little and make you fall. But, I'm wrong. I'm dead wrong. Nothing's gonna change that. Nothing's gonna change the fact that you don't like me, and you never will!

It's coming to an end. I guess I shall not be dumb and hope that one day you'll actually fall for me. I've been dumb to do that in my previous relationship, I shall not do that anymore. Hoping for something that will never happen is purely stupid! But at least, at the end of the day, I could say I've tried.

If you're meant to be, you'll be. If not, friends we shall be.

Labels: #KLJW, Late night thoughts, My life, My thoughts

Will this matter one year later?

Friday, February 7, 2014 | 4:55 PM | 0 ruler breaker

One year ago, I'm still being loved by the one I love the most. But what happened now? We went separate ways, we both live our life without each other again. and it doesn't matter anymore.

No one will know what will happen a year later, so what's the point of getting so worried about what is coming in the future. Just live the life you have right now, cause what matter most is the things that are happening now.

One year later, you'll just see and learn from what you've been doing right now :)

Labels: My thoughts

My future boyfriend?

Saturday, December 28, 2013 | 12:39 AM | 0 ruler breaker

People asked me what's the criteria must a guy have in order to be my boyfriend, let me list down what I wish and hope my future boyfriend/husband-to-be must have.

The above photo was a list of "criteria" I listed out in 2010, 3 years ago. But of course, these criteria are still what I hope my boyfriend have.

Used to have a boyfriend who met like almost 60% of my "criteria" but that relationship only last for like 19 months. I won't say he's the perfect boyfriend I had, but the one who I really love. Ohwell, let bygones be bygones. Moving on~

To my future boyfriend,

I just hope that you won't disappoint me. Even if you don't have the meet all the criteria, but I just need you to meet this one, this is not on the photo up there, I NEED YOU TO BE TRUE TO ME, HONESTY IS IMPORTANT IN OUR RELATIONSHIP! I don't mind if you have a lot of girls around you, I don't mind if you flirt at times, but NEVER EVER put me into a situation where I need to compete with other girls to get your attention. I can give you all the freedom you want, but don't misuse this freedom I'm giving you. I can give you as much space as you want, but don't ever let other girls to come into that space.

Even if you ever cheat behind my back, tell me. I won't promise I won't make a big fuss, but I promise, if you tell me the truth, tell me personally, I will forgive you. Don't let me catch you betraying me, and when I ask you, you still lie, that's when I will make a huge fuss, and not only hate you, I will also hate the girl you'd that something with.

I guess that's what I can think of right now. Will update again if there's any MORE criteria I hope my boyfriend have. HAHAHAHA~

Labels: My thoughts

And again...

Tuesday, December 24, 2013 | 5:32 PM | 0 ruler breaker

Ever fall for someone, but at the end of the day, you realised that he/she is the wrong one, like again?

No one know who's the right one for you, all you need to do, is to try and try and try and try and try and try, until you found that someone whom really match that second half of you. It's not easy, cause while finding the right one, you'll end up getting hurt over and over again.

I won't say I'm rich in relationship experience, neither would I say that I'm a relationship-idiot. But, from what I experience, what my friends had been through, I will give advice based on what I know and feel and heard.

Seen too much, and felt too much.

Trying to find my right one and end up getting hurt over and over again. If only I've the ability to fall and never get hurt. If only I've the ability to not feel hurt. I won't be afraid to fall again and again.

Ever since that breakup, I've tried dating several guys, but end up, all I get was hurt and nothing else. So, from now on, I won't try to fall for anyone. Because every guy who made me fall doesn't have the intention to hold me, so why fall for them? The right one, will make me fall while holding me.

Labels: My thoughts

Guy friends,

Monday, December 23, 2013 | 12:59 AM | 0 ruler breaker

Do you have a guy friend, who is so close with you that you guys talk about anything and everything?

I think that having male friends are actually more comfortable and easy than having female friends. Maybe given the personality and characteristic I'm born with, I tends to clique with guys easier than girls. I'm more open minded, more open with topics (I mean, there's no restrictions of topics to talk about). And maybe because these, I get to clique with guys more.

Ever since primary school, I'm closer to guys than girls. Me and my best friend, Lam Weiting, always tend to hang out at the field while the other girls are like in the canteen during recess time. Me and Weiting will always play basketball, or just go to the field and chill with the boys (I forgot who) And I remember, whenever I drink water from the bottle at the basketball field, I will get hit by the incoming ball which cause my teeth to bled. #badluckruijia but I still enjoy the times there.

My whole primary school years, I'm close with guys, hang out with guys. Although I still have girl friends, but nothing beats the comparability with males.

In secondary school, tried to open up more to female friends, but end up, all I get was trouble. So I think, sticking to guys are safer (in a way) But of course, I won't deny that having my 5 fav girls are the best la. Cause they're always there to help me, that's why even now when I hardly talk to them anymore, I still miss and love the time spent together.

When I come to Polytechnic, it's worst! My class only have like 6 girls(including me) For my previous clique was like 6 guys and 4 girls? And now my current clique is like 7 guys and I'm the only girl, and I repeat, I'M THE ONLY GIRL. I'm treated more like a "bro" to them than a girl to them. Whoop!

Even when I go Japan with school, I went with 4 of my guys. And even when I'm there in Japan, during the tour, I managed to get closer with guys than girls. I've no idea why, but to me, it's really easier to clique with guys than girls. Hmmmm.

It's just more comfortable for me to talk to guys, it's like no boundaries, no restricted topics, no worries of hurting them with topics (i mean like, sometimes when you talk to girls, you need to think properly before talking).

I'd this very close guy friend, so close that everyone thought he's my boyfriend. He's JordanK, and he was once my suitor. We are close since a year back, we quarreled, we fought, we cut contact. But no matter what shit we're in, what nonsense we've been thru, we still came out strong and close. It's a kind of closeness that a couple should have, but the fact is, we aren't together at all.

In conclusion, I still think, having guy friends, are like so comfortable, and make me feel more easy than I'm with girl?

Labels: My thoughts

Trust issue,

Friday, December 6, 2013 | 9:55 PM | 0 ruler breaker

I don't know if it's just me, or every else too, have some trust issues with people.

But nowadays, people have been turning faker and faker each day. Some stay in your life to make use of you, some stay in your life when you're at your best and left when you're at your worst, some stay in your life to listen to your stories and bitch about you at your back with the stories you shared with them, some stay in your life so to see how you die. Only a minimum number of people in your life, will stay there for you.

You'll only see who is true to you when you're facing problems, you'll only see who is true when you're down, you'll only know who is true when you're nothing.

Nowadays, people become fake. Maybe it's because they're all hurt once, by the one they truly trust in the past, which results them to have trust issues and end up being fake. Maybe they don't like you, but they still wanna be your friend just because they want to know your everything so that one day, they can bitch and laugh at you?

But of course, I don't fake to be friends with people. I mean, I don't act as a friend when I don't like the person. No point being friend with the person you don't like right? It's like wasting your energy to be friends with them, wasting time as well. And what's worst is that, maybe at the end of the day, they betray you because of some stupid stuffs? Who knows.

Thank god, I've some closest friends with me, especially when I faced problem. Remember that time, that incident, I get to see who are the real friends around me who are willing to help me. Really glad to have them in my life.

On a lighter note, trust takes years to earn and seconds to break. If someone trust you, please treasure that trust and not break it.

Labels: My thoughts

Past and future,

Thursday, December 5, 2013 | 12:15 AM | 0 ruler breaker

Ever met someone whose wrist are filled with scars? Ever looked at them, and started criticizing them at the back of your mind?

You'll definitely think, why must he/she be doing this to him/herself? Harming and hurting themselves. But hey, to them, using physical abuse to get rid of those emotional pain, might be the only way they thought of. No one knows what they're going through, no one will ever understand.

Don't criticize, don't judge, don't assume.

Everyone have their own problems. Some share it with their closest, some kept it with themselves and suffer. Don't ask why they keep it to themselves, cause most of the time, it's because they don't think others will ever understand. Some are just afraid that they'll be adding more problems to their closest(whom might already have their own problems to face)

Don't blame them for harming themselves. Don't judge them by the lines on their wrist.

Be nice to those who ever thought of suicidal. Be kind to those who used self-harm to forget pain. Instead of judging them, why not spare some time, and talk to them? Listen to their pain, lending them a pair of listening ears and relive some of their sorrows in them.

If there's friends out there whom have suicidal thoughts, stop doing it. I know that's the "only" way you thought it could relive emotional pain, but the fact is, it doesn't! It'll only hurt the people around you, seeing you harming yourself yet can't help.

I won't deny that I never did such silly stuffs before, because the fact is, I really did. I did it when I broke up with my ex boyfriend. I did it when I feel ultimately stress for school. I did it when I quarreled with my family. I did it when I'm down.

It hurts the people who's around me, knowing that someone they cared are self-harming. It leaves ugly scars on yourself. Yes, it'll heal, but the scar will remain. And it'll stay forever, even when it fades off, it'll still be visible. And all these scars, will always remind you of the reason why you self-harm.

Don't let your past haunt you down.

Labels: My thoughts

27 November,

Wednesday, November 27, 2013 | 11:15 PM | 0 ruler breaker

Ever long for something or someone you love which is lost?

I believe everyone does, just like me. I once longed for someone whom I love a lot, even when he's gone. I thought he would actually looked back, back at our memories being together, back at how I loved him when he's still mine. But, he didn't. I thought, he will regret someday, for leaving, but, I'm wrong. I thought, he still have that little feeling for me and for us, but then again, he proved me wrong.

As time passes, he met his new love, his love of his life. I admit, at the start, I blamed her for snatching him. Then again, I'm thinking, if he really loves me, there's no way, any girl can snatch him away. Slowly, I let go of my arms, collected those shattered pieces of my heart, and fix them piece by piece on my own. 

And slowly, I gave up. Gave up on hoping that one day, he'll return. Gave up on hoping that one day, he'll actually turn and look at me. Gave up on thinking that he still loves me. Gave up on every single thing I'm holding on that will link me back to him.

Finally, I'm here. Standing stronger than before. Smiling wider than when I'm with him. Laughing louder than I should. Yes, I still have down moments. There're still times when I overthink. Memories flooding me. But nothing's gonna break me down like how you broke me.

I've to admit, you're so right about me being so much happier without you than when I'm with you. You once told me, I'm like killing myself to be with you. And I stupidly denied, and told you, I'm happiest when I'm with you. WHO AM I KIDDING? It's really obvious that I'm so much so much so much so much happier without you!

Labels: My thoughts

13th November,

Wednesday, November 13, 2013 | 11:30 PM | 0 ruler breaker

You'll never know how you can affect my emotions.

Remember the days when your smile makes me smile, your anger makes me upset, your sadness makes me sadder, your happiness makes me happier, just one movement of yours could make me scared.

You never know how you affected me, you never know how much your small movement/reaction could make me scared like hell, you never know your one word could send shiver to me. I never why, I never know how, but because of you, I felt those feelings.

But it's alright, everything have ended. And we are happier with what we have now. You'll never be the reason for my sorrows, my happiness, my tears, my anger and whatsoever. YOU'LL NEVER BE.

Labels: My thoughts

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